January 30

How to Hate Apple Products

With the release of the iPad this week, Apple once again got it’s fair share of scorn. This time, it came from two fronts. One side mocked Apple for the horrible name it gave to it’s new, “revolutionary” product. The other side hated it outright and came up with every reason to do so. Like clockwork, we heard the same song and dance from the peanut gallery. It’s become so commonplace to hear the same complaints, nitpicks, and gripes that even this Apple fanboy knows exactly how to hate and discredit Apple products. Here’s a guide on how to…

Step 1: Follow the live blog and/or read the following articles about the reveal on your non Apple computing device (PC preferred)

This one is obvious. Odds are you aren’t part of the flock and probably will never be part of the flock so enjoy Engadget’s coverage on Internet Explorer.

Step 2: Complain about something you’ve never tried/experienced

When the iPhone came out the first complaint I heard was that no one would be able to type on a touch screen. Without a physical keyboard it will fail! Really? Had anyone really tried or given themselves the time to learn? I too had the same concerns but after some time I got the hang of it and I’m sure most iPhone users today have as well. I get that something tactile and tangible is preferrable but at the end of day it’s always about your personal preference and if the iPhone isn’t for you that’s no excuse to discredit everything else about it.

Step 3: Perpetuate what is not exactly true

This is an extension of step 2. Again, the people spreading the Apple hate are most likely not in the room after a keynote to try the product. Like wildfire, some half truths about some first time user experiences hit the internets and become truth to the Apple antagonists.

I had a conversation about the iPad with a person I know to be very anti-Apple and he brought up a story about how the press only had 45 minutes to play with Apple’s new toy because the battery was already dying. “10 hour battery life? What a joke,” he said. I don’t know how this rumor got started and from what I can tell it’s an unsubstatiated rumor because I can’t find a second source to back up this claim. However, even if it did only last 45 minutes there’s a number of reasons why that could have happened: they were test models/prototypes, they were never charged before hand, the press were only given 45 minutes in the room, and so on and so on.

I mean, come on, battery life is one of the biggest lies electronic manufacturers tell their consumers. It’s an estimation of a best case scenario, but for Apple haters, even 9 hours and 59 minutes would be enough to deem the iPad a failure. Also, think about this one carefully. Would a company really promise that much reliability in a product and not come through? What was that? American car companies? Alright Apple haters…maybe I can concede this point to you.

Step 4: Focus on what isn’t there…

Even though I feel the iPad isn’t quite the game changer we all thought it could be, I still see the value certain aspects of the device has. For those on the other side, they only see what isn’t there. Like the keyboard argument, the complaints don’t stop there. It doesn’t have flash, it doesn’t multitask, you can’t make calls on it, you can’t do this and that…yada, yada, yada.

It’s a tired and lame argument. Why doesn’t your blackberry have a touch screen or why can’t your DVD player play blu rays and why can’t your car fly in the air? Simple. It was never designed/intended to do those things. The product was designed to do certain things and if it doesn’t quite fit your expectations or needs than you’re just out of luck. Maybe it’s flawed to not have that certain something, but the products we consume aren’t just made overnight. From the first idea to the first sale, everything is meticulously crafted. If it’s missing something, it’s missing for a reason.

Step 5: Compare Apple to some evil empire

This is my favorite argument PC enthusiasts make because Microsoft and Verizon aren’t too far off Apple and AT&T’s path. Ever since Apple’s continued refusal to include flash on the iPhone, the haters have been out in full force against this decision. The best argument I’ve heard is that Apple is too concerned with being proprietary. They want to use and promote their own agenda and products. That’s true, that’s exactly what they’re doing but to paint Adobe as some sort of victim in this whole debate is laughable. If you didn’t notice, Flash is one of the most proprietary programs out there. There are a lot of negatives to Flash and if those hurdles are ever jumped, we’ll get to see some annoying website on the iPhone.

Step 6: Nitpick

While speaking to the guy who brought up the 45 minute iPad battery claim, he also brought up how a few iPads broke during the hands on session. “How did they break?” I asked. Apparently some reporters tried to snap them and they did. I get that form and function may force some sacrifices to the structural integrity of a product but is that really a failing point of the iPad? What did you expect was going to happen when you applied an extreme amount of pressure to something that was half an inch? I tried really hard to open a HP laptop screen farther back than I was supposed to and it snapped off. I guess that means HP laptops are extremely unreliable. I threw a blackberry out the window of a high rise building and when I found it on the street, it was broken. I guess blackberries aren’t durable. Once again, a tired and lame argument.

Step 7: It’s not for the business world…

You’re telling me that those ads with hip, trendy indie music and flashy colors and images aren’t supposed to appeal to guys in suits? Again the argument is made that Apple products don’t do something they were kind of never intended to do. Of course Apple will cater to the business world but at the end of the day, Apple products just weren’t made with spreadsheets in mind. Nobody complained about how you couldn’t conduct business on a Sidekick or how you can’t watch movies on a blackberry. Just another irrational argument from the peanut gallery.

Step 8: Claim it’s not revolutionary on your “copycat” device

Apple has been known to introduce or popularize some interesting features that are now common to modern computing and electronics. Remember when computers were just plain boxes filled with wires and circuit boards? Then came the iMac with it’s interesting design and availability in different colors. Now computers are as well designed outside as they are inside.

They might not have invented the touchscreen, but implementing it on the iPhone caused major cell phone makers to decry the use of touchscreen technology calling it a fad. Three years later and just about every major cell phone maker, including those keyboard lovers at RIM (the makers of Blackberry) have a touchscreen phone on the market.

The market doesn’t follow in Apple’s footsteps eh? Something seems to tell otherwise.

Step 9: It’s too expensive

There’s a reason why a Porsche costs what it does and why a Honda Civic costs a fraction of that. Just because you don’t want to pay that premium isn’t a reason why it’s necessarily bad. Even if you feel there isn’t a premium worth paying, it doesn’t make it a bad thing.

There are more steps on how to hate, but these are usually the main talking points that fill the internets after Steve Jobs unveils a new, visionary product. It’s the same sad, long, tiring arguments made by the cult of anti-Apple. It makes me wonder if they’re really thinking these through or they’ve become as irrational as the Apple fanboys who would fawn over the iGenocide. Again, I don’t follow in complete lock step with Apple and no one expects you to, but this somewhat gang mentality against Apple is getting more and more ridiculous with every passing keynote address. Can’t we just agree to disagree? If only there was an app to solve this mess…

  1. thepandamancan posted this